No Say

A cold, gray day clinging to the verge of snow, when you know it would be warmer if the moisture would begin to pile in drifts around your feet. Reminds me of Carolina in January. Instead the dampness hangs in the air at a stubborn 32 damp degrees.

I finished my last class for the term today and returned home to a lovely surprise. There was a package that I should have anticipated because the sender requested my address about a week ago. Still, it was a surprise. Inside were three bottles of flavored olive oils for cooking and a lovely note from Susan that pulled me back to all those evening joys on the porch of the inn in Castine. Friends are such a gift.

I’ve begun writing a monthly letter to my grandson, which is loads of fun. They say he loves to get them. A friend disappointed me today by rescinding an offer to watch the cat while I am gone for the holidays. There’s nothing to be done but board him now, but it made me think that maybe the definition of friendship, or even love, may be the ability to place weight on follow through, to know that when problems arise, loved ones develop a solution rather than dump the problem back on you. But that’s just rancor, probably prompted by another friend who cancelled a much-anticipated visit at the last minute “to work on the kitchen” and a very strange “Christmas” card from friends featuring their photos of homelessness in Santa Monica. Truly bizarre. The holidays do bring out the weirdness, I guess.

I decided not to apply for the distinguished professorship even though I think I’m a good fit because I reviewed recipients and recognized the “good ole boys club” at work even, or especially, in the female winners. That’s a club I never want to join, and have assiduously avoided with great cost all these years, but sometimes, sometimes, I do wish I could have even a few of those perks from some other means. I know. If I were “nicer” to them and “smiled more” and bolstered their egos … Can’t, won’t, will not do that not when all the way back to my first post-college “real” job their crap has been a constant, then as now forcing me out of opportunities, jobs, earned rewards. I’ll just dive into things I care about, especially writing that memoir. They have no say over that.

Dec. 8, 2015

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