I woke up early and did some work on Madwoman for the first time in a long time. I think it was prompted by the email from P. Whatever the impulse, it felt good and I did some work incorporating rather disjointed but quite specific feedback from the writing group. The result is that the book is morphing from a daughter’s biography into a hybrid biography/memoir with a lot of researched data added in. Injecting me into the story is both more honest and more engaging, I think, but it means I can no longer be invisible.

I continue to obsess and perseverate, particularly at bedtime, over very minor things, sometimes spending sleepless nights over them before I just do them. It’s a relatively newer pattern and one that feels off kilter, counter-productive, even worrying. It makes me think of Aunt Helen in her later years being completely incapable of doing the most routine and minuscule things. “I just can’t see myself walking into the hairdresser” or “I just can’t see myself sitting on the pier” she’d say. Visualizing was essential. Is what’s going on with me related? Is it a natural part of aging? Something different? Nothing?

For now, my strategy–as ever–is to push on through. Carpe diem! Fight the tendency and do do do. That’s the way. Then I draw a rune: Thurisaz or thorn, a gateway to extreme change that may involve pain, misery, even torture. Force, courage, perseverance are required to push through this transition. There is the potential to unleash great power but the transformation is associated with the deep subconscious, anger, chaos, and brute force. Hmmmmmm.

“Crown of Thorns” by Doug1021 is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

Oct. 14, 2016

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